Orbitcast

Unless you were trapped in a cave for the past few days, you probably already know that I've made a few headlines this past week because of a subpoena issued to me from the Securities Exchange Commission regarding Sirius Satellite radio stock. Oddly enough, I don't own stock in Sirius or any other stock for that matter (except for a 401K plan). Still, the SEC feels the need to waste our tax money on such a ridiculous witchhunt that will ultimately lead nowhere.

But the best part about being involved in a so-called "scandal" is getting to read and listen to all speculation, rumors, inaccurate reports, and outright lies. One of my favorite lies comes from failed radio hosts Opie and Anthony. Remember these two Howard Stern imitators from several years back? Probably not, but let me remind you. These were the two guys who were fired from WNEW-FM where they hosted an afternoon radio show because, in a desperate bid for media attention, they decided to broadcast a couple having sex inside St. Patrick's Cathedral. Anyway, fast forward several years and Opie and Anthony are back on the air (making much less money) at XM Satellite radio where they host a show that basically three people listen to.
The other day someone e-mailed me a clip of Opie and Anthony's commentary regarding my SEC subpoena, and for the next several minutes myself and the other three people I just mentioned got to hear some of the greatest lies and inaccuracies ever told. Normally, I wouldn't even give Opie and Anthony any ink (despite the fact that their publicist calls me almost daily to put them on the cover of Steppin' Out) since I try to keep this column about celebrities that, at their lowest, rank as "C" listers. But just this one time I will dig deep into the "D" list category, only because I love to tell this one particular story about these guys.
Many years ago I had begged Penthouse magazine to allow me to interview Opie and Anthony because Penthouse paid well, and at the time few real celebrities would agree to appear in the magazine due to its extreme adult content. But I knew these guys would even say yes to Modern Maturity if they asked. Eventually Penthouse agreed, and after an hour of listening to them discuss how they were geniuses for inventing something called "WOW," which stands for Whip 'em Out Wednesdays, I turned off my recorder and ran out of there. Now the good part.
That evening I get a call from Opie, of all people. (Even now as I write this I'm laughing.) Opie immediately starts whining to me how furious he is that Anthony took partial credit for creating "WOW" and that he was sick of it. He actually begged me to change their answer to my "Who invented WOW?" question and remove Anthony's name so he would get full credit as the one and only true inventor of Whip 'em Out Wednesdays. WOW is right! I couldn't believe my ears! By the way, I hate to admit it, but yes, I actually changed the answer per Opie's request.
So now Opie obviously hates me and I don't blame him. After all, the guy has been exposed for what he really is ... a creepy, jealous, lying fraud who for all intents and purposes has vanished off the radar.
As for this SEC investigation ... it may go down in history as one of the biggest wastes of taxpayers' dollars since President Clinton got a hummer from Monica Lewinsky. The only difference being, that really happened.
Chaunce

Hi Chaunce, glad you're allowing an opportunity for everyone to reply to your opinions on this. So you're saying that you don't own any Sirius stock - but did you ever own it? Why would the SEC bother with a subpoena if there was no transaction history?
Just curious.

Those are all lies. Howard is washed up and O&A are killing.

what ryan said...i hope you slip in a bucket of ninja chaunce

hey Chaunce! maybe the SEC doesn't need to subpoena you because you own stock. maybe you have info on people who DID insider trading??

This has to be a joke. Either that, or this guy is SERIOUSLY misinformed.

Yo chaunce! Your friggin dead on with this one. Im really not that big a fan of yours but this comment was a home run.

Good Job bro!

Lie much, Chaunce?

Okay, but the point here is that I DID invent Whip em Out Wednesdays. Everyone else sucks. I rule.

Funny, I've heard of Opie and Anthony .. I've never heard of Chaunce Hayden.

Talk about D-listers ...