Scientology Condemns Satellite Radio Industry

Saturday, April 1, 2006 at 7:11 AM
Tags:
Xenu

The Church of Scientology has officially condemned both SIRIUS Satellite Radio and XM Satellite Radio and their operations; claiming that the SDARS signal interferes with an invisible force field, and more specifically the eternal battery powering it, that currently imprisons Xenu in his mountain prison.

The Evil Ex-Ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, Xenu (or Xemu), was imprisoned over 75 million years ago within a mountain - some believe on the planet of Teegeeack (Earth) - after he stacked hundreds of billions of frozen victims around Earth's volcanoes before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days.

Of dispute specifically is the recent acquisition by XM Satellite Radio of the WCS Spectrum.

"We believe that the recent acquisition of the WCS spectrum has only one intent, and that is to release Xenu from his imprisonment and encourage his revolt against The Royal Officers!" a Scientology spokesman told Orbitcast.

"Hab SoSlI' Quch!" said a Klingon Officer in an official statement, "Sujatlh 'e' yImev!"

It is widely rumored that the condeming of both satcasters is actually a counteractive move by Scientology in cooperation with the NAB to prevent the localization of satellite radio content, but that is simply speculation and should not be taken as fact.

Thanks Isaac! 

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